February 11, 2024

February continues with the whirlwind of things and people and emotions and lessons all seemingly coming at me at once. I’ve had to take refuge in a hot bath a few evenings to just sort through what the fuck is happening. But that’s what dedicating yourself to growing through healing trauma looks like. If it’s fun and easy you’re probably doing it wrong.

My relationship has irrevocably changed and I’m growing into the next phase, this new construct. Perhaps the last five months of uncertainty, grief, and inner turmoil were simply moving towards the change. What’s interesting is on the surface we look the same, two people sharing a life with mutual interests, shared loves, shared passion, and shared worries. We look like most middle-aged couples you glance towards moving through public spaces as we walk hand-in-hand our heads bowed in quiet conversation peppered with private jokes and observations. But below that surface We are different. Five months ago if you had asked me to embrace this change as an adventure or curiosity or both, I would have burst into tears and fled the room. But I’m finally moving past my grief of what I wanted from this relationship to the reality of what it is and will be and never will be. My heart can rest and most days I am finding rest and ease.

Winter is all around me but within my soul I am reveling in the promise of spring.