November 29, 2023

I don’t

Write love

Poems anymore

I write letters

To the little girl

Still deciding

(Teeter totter

Teeter totter)

If she will ever be enough

—Leah Cass

I finally feel like I’m enough and I think the process of writing a book about my family helped heal many of those wounds. My slim volume serves as a letter to little Laura. I’m off the seesaw and damn it feels good.

I just noticed this the other night when I was decorating the Christmas tree. Mom wasn’t nattering at me about balance and too much of the same color in one spot…the little ornaments only go up top…

My mother was driven when it came to Christmas and the house was a winter wonderland with Christmas decorations on every surface throughout the house. Until I was in my teens, I wasn’t allowed to touch the decorations or the tree; my sister and I were allowed to put two special ornaments on the tree and the rest was all Mom. One would think this slavish devotion to Christmas would make her a cheery person, but no. I think she saw Christmas as another chore, another thing pulling her out of her head and away from her nattering voices.