September 12, 2023

“The most common form of despair is not being who you are” Kierkegaard

I’m spinning circles around this idea and have been for a few weeks. That is those rare moments I’ve allowed myself to write about this particular demon that once lived in the mirror. Me. Me listening to people nattering at me. Cancelling me from a family, shutting me out of a chosen family, telling me I wasn’t “gay enough”. Telling me it was a phase. Telling me I needed to choose. Telling me I just needed to come out. Telling me my “sexual orientation is really problematic” That time I tried to erase my sexual identity in favor of people pleasing. It wasn’t about not realizing who I was. I knew who I was. It was about fear. If I please everyone around me they will love me and I will have worth. I stepped away from this despair of erasure and not being Me a decade ago. I’ll never be erased again.