August 6, 2023

My youngest son is 29 today. Wow. He’s entering his first Saturn return. God speed to my son. I can’t wait to see the man he is on the other side. This kid is the reason I’m extra with the woo woo and dabbles in Hippy all-inclusive Jesus. During my second trimester we were gentle told “Hello will probably be good-bye” but we kept an eye on him. Every Wednesday for two months I would have an ultrasound and after third one, when I was approaching my due date, the perinatologist who cared for me through most of my pregnancy grasped my hands and said: “I can’t find the cyst. It’s gone and I can’t explain why.” The cyst that threatened to overtake my baby’s heart and lungs was gone.” We were going to be spared the unspeakable grief of losing a child. I sobbed big hiccuping sobs. Tears of relief and gratitude. Not only was Evan spared but this was the first sign I consciously remember asking for and receiving. How could there not be an infinite being or light workers or angels or whatever you want to call them? The afternoon before I napped while P. was out with my sister and my husband was at work. I was awakened with a voice calling for me. A toddler appeared at the end of our bed, he had on red overalls, with a white t-shirt. His hair was ginger, eyes his papa’s olive brown. So different from his brother but so much the same. I instinctively knew this was my second boy. “Mommy, I’m fine. It’s all gone. All gone.” And then he scampered away.